Down Darby Lane

A Blizzard in my Mailbox and it's Not Even Winter


It’s that time of year again – in case recent events had you doubting that America’s favorite holidays would be canceled. I know the intense weeks of cooking, shopping, planning, wrapping, and strategizing about how to keep Uncle Frank away from the liquor cabinet are upon us. There’s no need to consult a calendar because evidence started clogging up my mailbox about two weeks ago. Catalogs I never asked for and absolutely don’t want (and spend precious minutes of my life trying to figure out if they're recyclable) have arrived as if hatched inside my modest mailbox.

Some of the unwanted material is addressed to Mr. Darby Patterson and features boxer shorts and nose hair tweezers. Ms. Darby puts those in a separate pile. Others from charities and churches tug at my overly-empathetic heartstrings with cover images of doe-eyed children looking both lost and found at the same time. I set those aside due to guilt.

Unloading well over a dozen catalogs in a pre-holiday delivery week is typical although I’ve never given most of the merchants reason to solicit my business. I’ve never ordered a plush animal, flannel robe, thousand-piece puzzle, cheese log, whoopie cushion, or tee-shirt emblazoned with “Fish tremble when they hear my name” from any of them. I’ve stacked up four-foot-high piles of unwanted, full-color slick mags and felt resentful about being a victim/participant in an annual ritual of waste enjoyed only in places of privilege and wealth. And today, I am thinking back to a different era.

Some of you may be old enough to remember days when receiving a catalog in the mail was thrilling. For those of you who are not yet elder grandparents, let me explain. Once upon a time, there was the 1950s. There were limited ways the broader world entered our homes - large console tube radios, telephones with party lines, and black and white television. One notable exciting option was the arrival of a hefty catalog from the Sears and Roebuck Company. The business was started in 1893 in Chicago. Over the decades, the publication sold everything from tools and clothes to entire houses (hauled across country on railroad lines and assembled on your home site). The company launched brands that survive today- Craftsman tools, Allstate Insurance, and Kenmore, among others.

For those of us tucked into small-town America, receiving a Sears and Roebuck Catalog was akin to a shopping mall (yet to be invented) sitting on the maple coffee table, right there in the living room. Family members queued up to turn the pages of the “America’s Wish Book” and linger on illustrations and photographs. (The women’s underwear section was a favorite with teenage boys). It was a bi-annual book of dreams and cherished as families planned for back-to-school supplies, birthdays, and holidays. Nothing compared to shuffling through the pages and making noise about what you’d like Santa to bring for Christmas. Or the clothes that would make you more popular at school. It was the way the broader world entered our parochial lives. Anticipating the arrival of packages in months to come was even more exciting than listening in on conversations of neighbors on the party line. For those of you who have only experienced cell phones – I’ll spare you the now-useless details of how to listen in without being detected by the neighbor who would tell your mother who would ground you for a week.

Okay – even though the Sears Catalog was huge, its inventory didn’t begin to match that available today in the annual blizzard of magazines inviting us to turn the pages and buy, buy, buy. But for some of us, the shopping experience isn’t about quantity and selection. And though some of the catalogs I get are appealing in design, they don’t spark excitement or inspire my dreams. Collectively, for me anyway, they become a guilty burden. I feel responsible for thousands of pages of 60 Lb. gloss-text paper that goes directly from the mailbox to the recycle bin.

And rest assured I’ve investigated how to escape the annual flood of holiday catalogs. Unsurprisingly, it’s complicated and challenging to get off mailing lists that you never signed up to receive in the first place. There’s a nonprofit, DMA Choice, that will help consumers remove themselves from mailing lists – but the catch is, with so much online shopping, there is no lasting way to stay off those lists. Merchants pay companies to provide them with lists garnered from our online activities, and, well, our email addresses are there for the taking – over and over again.

So, please let me know if you’re interested in a specific catalog that’s not being addressed to your home. I’ll be happy to share mine – Anything Electronic. Hunting whatever. Truffle oatmeal. Designer diapers. Nose rings. Tee Shirts emblazoned with lame humor. Here are a few of my favorites:

“No. you’re right. Let’s do it the dumbest way possible.”

“Chickens, the pet that poops breakfast.”

“They say I have two major flaws. 1: I don’t listen and; 2. Something else.”

“Silence is golden. Duct Tape is silver.”

And thanks to the above holiday humor, at least there’s a laugh or two in my overstuffed mailbox.


***



I hope your journey into the holiday season is warm, uplifting, and not TOO much work. I’m looking forward to hearing from you – thanks for all the interesting feedback you’re sharing. I deeply appreciate your time and attention. I’m at darby@darbypatterson.com.



This week’s promotion of Indie Authors features Dan Petrosini’s “The Barrow Case – A Luca Mystery” - Regret is a little word that lasts forever... You can't erase things you've seen. Get the story absolutely FREE


Perfectly timed: Gobble Gobble Murder! By Rachel Woods

At a Thanksgiving party, the host drops dead. It looks like an allergic reaction but turns out to be cold-blooded murder. This Holiday Cozy Mystery is FREE to you!


And Yippee - Here's a FREE link to my Short Story - The Goody Goody Girl - Getting away with getting even, from my book of shorts - "Tiny Twisted Tales. " (You need to scroll down a bit to find "Goody" on the page. And it's Not a 'cozy' - no way! And it's only the one short story that's free; the book is on Amazon.)

Friends and Readers,

A note about most of us, for better and worse, in the Arts. I think we long to share our thoughts and creations - and without you, we are lonely. Imagine, you wrote a beautiful piece of music and no one but you (and perhaps your cat) ever got to hear it. Or painted a picture that no one else but you ever saw, or wrote a story that no one but you read. Sharing is everything for people in the arts and your support is fundamental to the continued creativity of all artists. So, Thank you! 

Hey! Check out this awesome article by popular columnist Ed Goldman - it's about moi! Also subscribe to his clever, witty and smart blog!  

social media marketing.jpg
half cover2020.jpg

My Mountain Mystery

My book has gotten fab reviews on Amazon! I am so excited readers like the characters, the setting, the plot - minus lots of graphic violence. 

If you are fond of 'cozy' mysteries please read The Song of Jackass Creek. Check out Reviews HERE.

Gypsy Wedding Cover HH01 LR-1_edited-1.j
front cover.jpg

Short Story Collection 

Twisted is - twisted! And Gypsy's Wedding - well, you just have to be there!  Click on the books to see more ... 

To Your Inbox:
DownDarbyLane
Reports and reflections to add color, amusement, & thoughts to your day. Let's be connected!

Thanks for submitting!

Sample Amazon Reviews

This is an excellent writer!

Darby Patterson is truly a talented writer. She describes this little town sweetly without boring the reader with unimportant detail, and her descriptions are vivid. She also develops her characters fully through conversation and action so the reader becomes acquainted with the main players and can form pictures of them early in the book. Her characters' thoughts, interactions, and past activities combine to portray the culture of Redbud throughout the story, and the story itself is creative and holds surprises along the way. I too hope Ms Patterson continues to share her talents with us!

Sondra Jensen

Awaiting the next installment

An invitation to linger in this vanishing part of California which has so much history is writ on every page of this book. I've visited places like Redbud with a creek burbling in the background as gentle breezes sough through the pines and cedars. I've found them quaint and rich with fascinating local lore and history. Jesse, as publisher of the local weekly is very nicely sketched, the authors background as a journalist comes through clean and clear in developing him. This small California mining and logging town scrabbling to hang on, I liked very much as a setting. I wouldn't mind sitting down with Jesse and having a beer and help him solve his next mystery. The test of a good book is whether you'd be willing to read it again, later. This book passes that test and I can't wait for the next installment.

Jack Howard

 

Please let this be the first of a series!

Wonderful book; adult without being ‘R’ rated, complex story and well developed characters. The people of ‘Redbud’ ring true and, as a native Californian, the lumber, real estate and politics are spot on. I hope this is the beginning of a series because the author has created characters you want to know better.

D. Holmes

My other passion
Sculpting for bronze - See more HERE
IMG_5873_edited.jpg
IMG_5345.jpg
IMG_5897_edited_edited.jpg
IMG_1455.jpg